In this week’s episode, we discuss writing dialogue in fiction, and share eight tips & tricks for writing better dialogue.
TRANSCRIPT
00:00:00 Introduction, Writing Updates, and a Reader Question
Hello, everyone. Welcome to Episode 162 of the Pulp Writer Show. My name is Jonathan Moeller. Today is July the 26th, 2023. And today we’re going to discuss some tips and tricks about how to write dialogue. You may notice that I’m recording this a few days earlier than usual. There’s some things coming up in the next few days I want to get a jump on, so I’m getting the episode recorded early so I can still get it out.
First up, some updates on my current writing projects. I am now 72,000 words into Dragonskull: Crown of the Gods, which puts me at Chapter 16 of 20 of the book, so I am past the 75% mark and I’m hoping to wrap up the rough draft soon, possibly the week this episode will come out. After that I will write the bonus short story that I will give away for free to my newsletter subscribers. I think it’s going to be called The Final Shield this time, and if all goes well, Dragonskull: Curse of the Orcs, no, Dragonskull: Crown of the Gods will be out sometime in August. Dragonskull: Curse of the Orcs is the audiobook that I am currently proof-listening to and that should hopefully be out towards the end of August or possibly September.
Once Dragonskull: Crown of the Gods is out and published, the next project will be Silent Order: Pulse Hand, the final book in the Silent Order science fiction series. So it’ll be exciting to get to that to finish the Dragonskull and the Silent Order series back-to-back. You might remember, on last’s week show that I had a 10,000 word day, while writing Dragonskull: Crown of the Gods, and I’m pleased to report that I’ve had a second 10,000 word day while writing Dragonskull: Crown of the Gods, which makes sure makes my second 10K word day of 2023. Since I had only one of those in 2022, this is very gratifying. If I remember right, I had nine in 2021 and 22 of them in 2020. Well, there wasn’t much else to do in 2020 except write, which I’m sure we can all recall it quite well.
Before we get to our main topic of writing dialogue, we have a question from reader Judy, who asks: Are you finished with Caina? And the answer to that is no. After I write Silent Order: Pulse Hand, the next book I’m planning to write will be Ghost in the Serpent, the first book of the Ghost Armor series and hopefully that will be out sometime this fall, if all goes well.
00:02:19 Introduction to Main Topic: Writing Dialogue
Now on to our main topic of the week: writing dialogue. The thing about writing dialogue is that it’s often tricky because the way people talk is frequently very, very different from clear and lucid prose. Conversations are often rambling and incoherent, even to the participants. The tricky part when writing fiction is that 1: you’re writing a story, and you need to move things along and 2: you want the dialogue to be comprehensible so people don’t abandon reading your story. However, you don’t want your dialogue to sound like two computers exchanging precisely written and grammatically accurate factoids. How to strike a balance between these points? Here are some tips and tricks for writing interesting dialogue:
00:03:02
Tip #1 Speech Should Reflect the Character Who is Speaking
Number One: Remember that speech shouldn’t sound like prose, and it should reflect the character who is speaking. Consider the following sentence:
Maura parked her car at the gas station on the corner of 48th and Truman.
Now if she needed to convey that information in dialogue, you just repeat that like this:
“I parked my car at the gas station on the corner of 48th and Truman”, said Maura.
However, unless the character tends to speak very precisely, most people will not talk that way. It will probably sound more like this:
“Yeah. Parked over at the gas station on 48th”, said Maura. “You know, the one across from the dry cleaner.”
Or depending on Maura’s personality, it might be more like this:
“You know that gas station where Jenkins threw up in the aisle?” said Maura. “Parked the car there. Yeah. I didn’t go inside. Places is a dump. They may not have cleaned up the puke yet.”
Dialogue as we know is often a reflection of personality. If Maura was a law enforcement officer setting a trap for a bank robber, she might say like this:
“Parked at the gas station on 48th and Truman”, said Maura, “Ready and in position. No sign of the suspect.”
But if she was a criminal who had left stolen merchandise in the car for her contact pickup, you might say like this:
“Car’s at the gas station across from the dry cleaners”, said Maura. “The one where Jenkins threw up after the 5th vodka martini, you remember. Stuff’s in the trunk.”
Dialogue will generally be less precise than clear prose and should reflect the character’s personality whenever possible.
00:04:29
Tip #2: Avoid Info Dumping
Number Two: avoid info dumping. One common technique is to use dialogue to convey information about the story to the reader. This can be done well, or it can be done clumsily. Science fiction and fantasy writers, alas tend to fall into this trap all too often because we have exotic concepts to explain to the audience, but you can see the problem very easily when it’s done badly. Let’s use a modern day example.
Jenkins and Maura are about to fly on a plane departing from an American airport, and Maura has never flown before, so Jenkins needs to explain how a TSA security check works. In real life, the conversation would probably go like this:
“So what am I supposed to do here?” said Maura
Jennings sighed. “Didn’t you read the PDF I sent you?”
She rolled her eyes.
“Fine”, said Jenkins. “Look, you put your stuff in these plastic tubs and then you take off your shoes and go through the scanner. Since you’re wearing a tank top and TSA guys are usually pervs, you’re going to get the enhanced pat down.” He feigned groping his own chest.
“Don’t be a jerk.”
Now a writer succumbing to info dumping would probably have the conversation go like this:
“So what am I supposed to do here?” said Maura.
Jenkins turned to her. “As you know, Maura, in the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, the United States Congress passed the Aviation and Transportation Security Act, which created the Transportation Security Administration, which henceforth would have authority over civilian airport security on United States soil. Initially part of the Transportation Department, the TSA was moved under the authority of Homeland Security when that department was created in March of 2003….”
You see the problem? No one actually talks that way in real life. The problem comes in when writers use infodumping and dialogue as a shortcut to worldbuilding. Fantasy and science fiction writers succumb to that temptation a lot, but we’re not the only ones. Thriller writers, mystery writers, and romance writers whose protagonists have a lot of back story tend to fall into the shortcut as well.
The better way to deal with this is with just enough information in the dialogue for the conversation to make sense, but to leave out enough that the reader is interested in finding out what is going to happen. Humans are innately curious. This is why when someone mentions something interesting that you’ve never heard before (like for example, your new boss is recently divorced and now engaged to the departmental secretary), the conversation immediately moves in that direction. But if two fictional characters mention something the reader hasn’t heard before, they aren’t obliged to explain it to the reader immediately, which will help hold their interest.
For example, let’s go back to Jenkins and Maura:
“You’ve seriously never been on a plane before,” said Jenkins as Maura collected her stuff from the TSA’s plastic tubs.
“Nope”, said Maura, her frown edging towards a scowl.
“Why not?”
“Tyler was always going to take me to LA”, said Maura. “Where are we going next?” Her expression said further questions would not receive any answers, so they continued to the gate.
In the story, if this is the first mention of Tyler, it adds a bit of mystery. Who is Tyler and why is Maura mad at him? If this is a romance, Tyler could be her ex. If this is a mystery or a thriller novel, Tyler could be a fellow criminal or another law enforcement officer. Not only is this closer to the way that real people actually talk, it provides a bit of a minor hook to keep the reader interested in the book and to keep the reader reading on.
00:07:40
Tip #3: Subtext
Number Three: One of the most incredibly annoying things about human conversation is that people rarely say what they actually mean, and the surface topic of the conversation is often unconnected with the real meaning of the conversation.
This is called subtext. One of the most common examples is Sherlock Holmes and his archnemesis Professor Moriarty playing chess. Holmes and Moriarity are discussing the game, but that’s just the surface conversation. They’re really talking about their rivalry. Or a Mafia thug walks into a shop and tells the owner that these rickety old buildings really need to have fire insurance. The Mafia guy isn’t talking about the fire code or actually selling insurance. He’s giving the subtle warning to the owner that he needs to pay protection money or his business is going to start suffering “accidents.”
This can take place in less fraught circumstances. Like for example, a woman is angry than a man has been promoted over her at work. Rather than address the issue, she might start complaining about the contents of the vending machines, or insisting that every new project is doomed to failure. The contents of the vending machine or the scope of the project are irrelevant. The subtext to her complaints is that she’s not happy she wasn’t promoted.
Communication breakdown can occur when the person speaking thinks their subtext is obvious and clear, but the person listening (listening, that’s hard to say), but the person listening misses it entirely. Let’s have some examples. Say Maura and Jenkins both worked for MegaCorp and Maura thinks the current district manager is incompetent and wants the job for herself.
“Profits are down, production is down, and turnover is way up,” said Mora. “This can’t keep going on.”
“Uh-huh”, said Jenkins. “And I suppose you have a great idea about how to fix it?”
Maura put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “Well, what if I do? Someone needs to step up and fix things.”
In this conversation, Maura isn’t flat out saying “I want to be the district manager.” She’s just saying that things aren’t going well and they need to be fixed. Indeed, she doesn’t mention the district manager job at all. But it’s immediately obvious to Jenkins (and hopefully to the reader), that Maura wants the job.
If Jenkins misses the subtext, it might cause a conflict with Maura:
“Profits are down, production is down, and turnover is way up,” said Maura. “This can’t keep going on.”
Jenkins shrugged. “The economy is bad. Inflation’s up. Can’t do much about that.”
Maura folded her arms over her chest and glared at him. “Maybe we need some new leadership.”
Jenkins groaned. “From where? We would need another search committee.”
“An internal hire would be a better choice.”
Jenkins laughed. “The people who already work here are idiots. If we did an internal search for a district manager, we’d probably end up with one even dumber than the one we already have.”
Maura scoffed, shook her head, and stalked off. Jenkins watched her go, wondering what had annoyed her so much. Maybe those high heels were pinching her toes.
So subtext can be a way to make dialogue more interesting to the reader, which leads us to the opposite of this technique:
00:10:40
Tip #4: The Character is Imagining a Subtext That Doesn’t Exist
Number Four: the character is imagining a subtext that doesn’t actually exist. This happens all the time in real life, where people impute meanings to your speech that you didn’t actually intend. Examples are myriad and you can no doubt think of several you have personally experienced from off the top of your head. For example, say someone invites you to a movie and you declined to go, saying that you don’t feel up to it, maybe your stomach is upset. You have a headache, your knees hurt, or you’re simply exhausted or broke and don’t feel like going, but if you felt better or had more money, you would go to the movie.
Except the person who invited you takes it as a personal insult, even though that wasn’t your intent and not the subtext at all. The person who invited you imagined a subtext to your answer that did not exist. This also happens a lot on social media, where a lot of the visual and auditory cues that usually accompany conversation are absent. No doubt you like me, you can think of many examples.
A great example from fiction is from J.R.R. Tolkien’s Unfinished Tales, which is a collection of side writings and alternate drafts from when Tolkien was working on Lord of the Rings. In one section, Gandalf the Grey is speaking with Saruman the White, and they’re discussing the problem of the One Ring. As they talk, Gandalf is smoking a pipe and blowing smoke rings. And Saruman (who by this time has fallen to Evil and is seeking the ring for himself) thinks that Gandalf is taunting him with the smoke rings, but Gandalf is doing no such thing.
He still thinks of Saruman as a friend and trustworthy ally, and he just wants to smoke a pipe as they discuss the problem. The smoke rings are just to tease Saruman a little since Saruman has been giving Gandalf a hard time about smoking. At this point, Gandalf doesn’t even know that Bilbo Baggins’ magic ring is actually the One Ring. In his pride and paranoia, Saruman is imagining a subtext to the conversation that doesn’t actually exist. Imaginary subtext often occurs when one character knows something that the other does not, but is unaware that the other character doesn’t have this information.
Let’s have an example. In this version of Maura and Jenkins, Maura has arranged for the district manager of MegaCorp to get fired so she can get the job, but feels guilty about it. Jenkins is unaware of her machinations.
“So, we’re getting a new district manager?” said Jenkins.
“Well, security just escorted the old one out the door, so yeah,” said Maura. “I wonder who the new one will be.”
“An absolute moron,” said Jenkins. She glared at him, but he didn’t notice. “Only a complete idiot would take over that job. Someone with more ambition than brain cells.”
“Oh, very clever,” said Maura. “You’ve just been waiting to say that. Why don’t you let me know how you really feel?”
“What?” said Jenkins, surprised at your irritation. “What did I say?”
As we can see in that example, Maura felt insulted, but Jenkins’ intent wasn’t to insult her, merely to observe that anyone stepping into the thankless job of district manager would regret it. But Maura thought Jenkins was talking about her and took it personally.
00:13:33
Tip #5: Profanity is Overrated.
Number Five: profanity is overrated and everyone swears all the time in modern fiction, but it happens so often that profanity has become stale and overhead. It’s like garlic salt or maybe cayenne peppers: a little bit goes a long way, and it’s usually less than you think. Like, profanity might have been shocking 40 or 50 years ago, but most people swear constantly now, and writers tend to use profanity as a crutch, so it’s best to go against the current and dial back the profanity. If you use a lot of profanity in your books, you’re not being shocking or subversive, you’re just being boring like everyone else.
A good example might be The Avengers: Endgame movie. In the movie at a climatic moment, Tony Stark says, “And I am Iron Man.” However, in the original script, the line was apparently “F you Thanos.” Wouldn’t that have been so much more boring? It sounds like something someone would say in a minor traffic accident or an argument about the building’s shared dumpster: “Stop putting your ****** recycling in the trash can, Thanos!” But apparently one of the producers thought up the line at the absolute last minute, convinced the directors and the actor, and they shot it as a reshoot. It was a good decision, in my opinion, because the line is so much better. It perfectly fits how Stark’s character always needs to have the last word and is an excellent callback to the first Iron Man movie from 2008.
So it’s best to be intentional with the use of profanity and not to use it as a crutch. An otherwise straightlaced character swearing in a moment of crisis could demonstrate the seriousness of the situation. Alternatively, you could have a character who swears a lot, except when he gets really angry, when he calms down and stops swearing entirely-it’s the people who calm down and get calm and focused when they get angry you really have to watch out for.
An observation after 12 years of self-publishing: no matter the level of profanity you have in your books, someone will be annoyed at you. If you have no profanity at all, people will complain that’s unrealistic, especially if you’re writing about soldiers and workmen and other people who traditionally curse a lot. Alternatively, if you have any level of profanity, people will complain about this as well. Like I recently got an email from a reader expressing gentle disappointment that Nadia swears so much in my book, Cloak of Dragonfire.
But here’s the thing: I tone it way down for the book. In my head, Nadia swears like an angry drill sergeant, or maybe a roofer who just accidentally shot himself in the foot with his nail gun, especially when she gets angry. But for the reasons I listed above, I don’t like to overdo it, so that’s a good reminder that no matter what you write, someone will be annoyed, so you might as well write as you think best. But overusing profanity is, in my opinion, just lazy.
00:16:14
#6: People Very Often Don’t Answer Direct Questions
Number six: people very often don’t answer direct questions. If you listen carefully to real life conversations, you will notice that people rarely answer questions directly and often go off on tangents unconnected to the question. There’s a quote from Lord of the Rings that illustrates the point perfectly, and short enough that I’ll just read it here. The quote comes from pages 611-612 of the single-volume THE LORD OF THE RINGS hardback edition published in 1991 by Houghton Mifflin:
”Are we riding far tonight?” Gandalf asked Merry after a while. “I don’t know how you feel with the small rag-tag dangling behind you but the rag-tag is tired and will be glad to stop dangling and lie down.”
“So you heard that?” said Gandalf. “Don’t let it rankle! Be thankful no longer words were aimed at you. He had his eyes on you. If it is any comfort to your pride, I should say that, at the moment, you and Pippin are more in his thoughts than the rest of us. Who you are; how you came here, and why; what you know; whether you were captured, and if so, how you escaped when all the orcs perished—it is with those little riddles that the great mind of Saruman is troubled. A sneer from him, Meriadoc, is a compliment, if you feel honoured by his concern.”
“Thank you!” said Merry. “But it is a greater honour to dangle at your tail, Gandalf. For one thing, in that position one has a chance of putting a question a second time. Are we riding far tonight?”
Gandalf laughed. “A most unquenchable hobbit! All wizards should have a hobbit or two in their care—to teach them the meaning of the word, and to correct them.”
This quote is almost a perfect example of what I was talking about. In this conversation, Merry wanted to know how much farther they were riding tonight. Gandalf, his mind still occupied by the recent defeat of Saruman at Orthanc, ends up talking about that, which Mary mentioned as a joke. But Merry points out that Gandalf failed to answer the question, and Gandalf laughs and concedes the point.
Here’s another example with Maura and Jenkins. In this example, Maura has just become the new district manager of Megacorp and is very pleased with herself. Jenkin needs her to sign off on the Busywork Reports for the month, but Maura is still too happy with her new job and is going off on tangents.
“Since you’re district manager now, mind just signing off on those Busywork Reports?” said Jenkins, dropping the sheaf of papers on Maura’s desk, which was entirely too large and expensive, he thought, given that it held only a laptop computer and Maura’s new nameplate. “Assuming you’re not too busy rewriting the dress code.”
“Oh, that’s just the start,” said Maura. She rose to her feet and paced to her windows. They looked impressive, but they faced the western parking lot, and Jenkins knew for a fact he got unpleasantly hot here during the afternoon. “There are going to be big changes around here, big changes. First thing, we’re getting rid of all the deadwood. No more two hour lunches. No more days off so people can have a mental health day with their dogs or whatever.”
“That’s great,” said Jenkins. “But can you do that after you sign the Busy Work Reports?”
Maura gave him an irritated glance.
Now you can use this technique in a couple of different ways. It could show what someone is intending to do, as Maura’s example indicates. You can also use it to show if someone doesn’t actually want to answer the question, since the person being asked will keep locking onto new tangents and changing the topic to avoid the question.
00:19:06
Tip #7: Avoid Phonetic Dialects
#7: avoid phonetic dialects. This might be a personal preference, but I strongly dislike when writers use phonetic dialects in dialogue. This is when the reader mutilates spelling to create an illusion of a dialect or an accent. For example, let’s say Jenkins was about to say this:
“Well, I reckon it’s my it’s time that my dog is hankering for his dinner,” said Jenkins.
“Well, Ayuh reckin it’s a-time fer me dahg to be hankerin’ fer his dinnuh,” said Jenkins, his voice covered with the accent of a writer attempting to create an illusion of a dialect and failing miserably.
Really, I find that very annoying and I’m not the only one. It’s lazy writing. It borders on indulging in stereotyping, which is another kind of lazy writing. Since a stereotype is just a symbol used to represent a person so you since you don’t have to do so, you don’t have to do the hard work of describing that person. Phonetic dialect is also really hard to read, since your brain has to interpret the odd spellings.
HP Lovecraft had a bad habit of doing this, and perhaps the single worst example I’ve ever read is at The Color at the End of Space, an otherwise excellent story. When the farmer attempts to explain the sinister alien force that invaded his farm and Lovecraft does his best attempt at a rural New England farmer accent and fails miserably. JK Rowling writes the excellent Cormoran Strike private investigator novels, but she occasionally uses phonetic dialect to represent the various different regional UK accents and it’s just annoying. If you want to represent a regional accent, in my opinion it’s better to do with patterns of speech, vocabulary and perhaps regional slang than with phonetic spellings.
00:20:42
Tip #8: One More Thing
#8: One more thing. One curious feature of human conversations at the main point doesn’t often arrive until the conversation is nearly over.
Doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals notice this a lot. During an interaction with the patient, the main point, the actual reason for the visit, often won’t come until the end of the conversation, usually presaged with “oh, one more thing.” This is usually true if the ailment in question is sensitive or somehow embarrassing.
You see this in police procedurals and mystery novels quite a bit. The detective will be talking with the suspect or witness about something else entirely, getting them into a conversational rhythm and then drop the main question- when was the last time you saw Maura and Jenkins talking together, for example. And what were they doing?
Let’s have an example. In this example, newly promoted district manager Maura is asking Jenkins about Megacorp’s most important account, which the company is in danger of losing:
“So,” said Maura, fiddling with the paper clip holder on her oversized desk. “How are things in your department?”
Jenkins shrugged. “About the same? No one really misses the old manager. Though people are just loving all the new dress code memos.”
“Right, right,” said Maura, still sorting through the paper clips. “It’s important that we represent a professional appearance. No more showing up to work in jeans or cargo shorts.”
Jenkins smirked. “Yes, that will increase profits, won’t it? Good to know that we are prioritizing the important things.”
The sarcasm went right over her head.
“Look, um, said Maura, and she stopped playing with the paper clips and folded her hands on the desk. “The government account. We need to talk about that.”
“Ah”, said Jenkins. “I suppose you didn’t call me in here to talk about the dress code after all.”
In this example, Maura is worried about the big account, but can’t bring herself to ask Jenkins about it right away. You can use this technique frequently or occasionally to indicate if a character is nervous or what the main thing they’re worried about is, since they won’t bring it up till the end of the conversion.
So hopefully, those eight tips and tricks will help you write more realistic and entertaining dialogue for your readers.
So that’s it for this week. Thanks for listening to The Pulp Writer Show. I hope you found the show useful. If you enjoyed the podcast, please leave your review on your podcasting platform of choice. Stay safe and stay healthy and see you all next week.
